Reminders

Once we move on and see whats happend(ing) we start to feel better. However there are times and we hear a song or turn the tv on and see a show and it feels like it did when we left. Like no progress has been made. We all have that one song and show. Some have a picture or other sedimental item that reminds us that we are missing a big piece of our life. These items could send a wave of fear, shock, sadness, hatred and other feelings down us like they never really went away. And the truth is they havent. we are just as venerable as the day when we left. For instance one person says one thing and its enough for you to forget everything and just lash out on anyone who was stupid enough to get near you in the first place. At this moment it doesn't matter wether its your friend, family, teacher, foster parents, social worker. At that point all that matters is hurting that person in whatever way you can. I know this feeling and as i've grown in the foster system I have learned to controll this feelings and to calmly walk away, however I still mess up and say or do something I shouldn't do. At times we are not conscious of what we are doing and we dont even know we are doing it sometimes, however at other times we know well what were doing. For example abut two years ago a set of my foster parents left and I was hurting. I wasn't aware of it at the time, but i was doing every thing wrong. At first i messed up on the dishes. I would put away dirty dishes and so forth. However that meant the foster parents gave me extra chores to make up for that, wich I would get mad and mess up and then the dishes wich would in turn give me more chores. At the end of the summer all I was doing was chores and thats it. That hurt me in ways that I couldnt handle. It took away my gymnastics and that crippled me inside and i was tired of it. Then the only thing that mattered was going to be taken away from me. My vists ( time we spend with our parents). That was when i was like im done and started to do things right and I actually ended up loving my new foster parents and saw that they were diffrent from the old ones. One example of me knowingly doing this is when I was foster put into the foster care system. I would spread lies to every one that would listen in attempts to get the foster parents fired. I figured that if enough people didnt want me I would get to go back to my parents, however it very clearly didnt work. Instead of getting mad at me the foster parents were patient, kind and loving. They understood why I was doing this and I didnt have to explain it to them. they cared for me for about six months before leaving. At this point they were the first people to leave ME. I was used to leaving people and not the other way around. I wasnt used to walking in a room and seeing a ton of reminders of who was here last and of people who claimed that they loved me. However I found that I got used to it over the years and that it wasnt easy. It didnt just hurt because I was always left alone, un loved, and afraid of what may come, It hurt that I had to get used to it and that I did. I do understand why people leave me, if i could I would be the first out the door. I know thats it tough that people are constantly in and out of your life, trust me I know, but you got to remember that your in and out of others life too and as many scares you have you have left some too.