Coming to terms

I know that alot of my blogs recently have been about heart break and im sorry if you are wanting to hear about my foster life, but to be honest much hasnt changed. I went to my first adoption event yesterday. Thats is. So i feel also that i need to heal my heart first before I can talk about anything else. So I will countiue to write about heartbreak adn if you get tried of reading please do leave. I dont want you to read this blog and think that this is all what its about. I just need to vent currently and I will try to relate everything to foster life the best I can.

So lately I have been way more upset with life then usual. I understand that this is heart break, but its just not that. I have been angry and tried and I feel like im invisible. I cry alot over silly things( and I dont cry!), I feel that it is part of the heart break, but I feel that this relationship has been what sent me overboard. I need to come to terms with the way that our relationship has ended. However I clearly still havent. I see him and it feels like im being stabbed and his smell is every were. It lingers on my clothes I wore with him its the first smell to fill up the room. Its intoxicating. I love and hate going on the bus and picking out that one smell. It comforts me yet t makes me feel this unmountable pain that i cant get over. I see him out side and I feel like im gonna fall apart and break at the seams. I want to get over him yet I dont. I dont want this chapter of my life to end, wich is a first for me. I constantly want whatever chapter to end. I cant wait until my foster one ends, but I dread when this one does. I know he will leave me in a couple of months and theres a good chance I wont ever see or talk to him again, but then I think about all of the people who defeated the odds and married their high school boyfriend, however I stop and also think do I actually want to spend the rest of my life with someone who has hurt me so bad that im not able to propyl able to function with out him? Then I think of how much I love him and that is what draws me back for more. I dont want him any more, I need him. Its like what I said about how I see him and every part of me goes and just wants to run into him and cry and beg him to take me back, however I dont. I know that he's just using me and that hurts, but the thought of losing him for good hurts more. The thought of losing the only person who loved me and understands what im going through. However I feel that he is breaking me to rebuild me so I need him. I feel like he thinks if I have no self confidence that I will do whatever wich is not the case. I feel the song " down low" by the Week End sums us up really well (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4vNMzUXfNY) thats why he clearly has said multiple times that its OUR song. He says our because he knows thats how he will get me. He tells me stuff like that of " I promise" because he knows I cant resiste them. I want him to mean it for once. I want the reason that he comforts me to not be him. But most of all I want him to love me. Is that too much to ask? I want someone to tel me that they love me and to mean it, not because its their job, or because they feel like they should say it, or because they feel bad. I want them to say it because they mean it